Can Can run run… duck! (HTTYD oneshot)
by vala411
Summary: Welcome to the Berkian Cabaret where you can expect the unexpected!


**Can Can run run…. duck?!**

The theatre was bustling with activity for tonight's show. Stage hands were quickly affixing lights and doing final checks before showtime just as the performers were going through their material to make tonight's cabaret a success.

There was a group of female dancers who were busy practicing their high kicks, cartwheels and splits while laughing and joking. "Go Astrid" Several shouted as a blond woman did a set of pirouettes.

"I can easily out do that." Another blond laughed as the ladies 'Ooohed'

"Bring it Ruff." Astrid smirked.

"Astrid you know not to dare Ruff." Another admonished.

"Oh come on Heather. You know that we don't have to dare Ruffnut to do anything crazy." Astrid told the women who all laughed. "Especially if you remember last week."

"Oh I remember last week." Heather muttered. "Mr. Haddock had to come bail us out of jail."

"The fact that he did so without questioning it says volumes." was suddenly said.

"My point exactly Camicazi." Heather stated.

"Besides Ruffnut can't beat Astrid. She's our best dancer." Camicazi now smirked.

"Oh no…." Heather facepalmed as she saw the determined look in Ruffnut's eyes.

"Prepare to be amazed!" Ruffnut declared before walking to the center. They had a pretty wide practice area and Ruffnut planned to use it all.

"Go Ruffnut Go Ruffnut!" The women were now chanting as Ruffnut began doing an impressive set of cartwheels. Unfortunately she noticed Chicken, their troupe's mascot, stroll about their practice area a little too late and tried to stop the cartwheel in time as to not squash the bird.

"AAH" Ruffnut yelled as she blundered the landing and fell to the floor. Chicken clucked wildly and flittered about as Ruffnut's heel barely missed the bird.

"Oh my gosh, Ruffnut are you alright!" The women shouted as they and some stagehands tried to help her.

"Probably" Ruffnut answered before she winced as she tried to get up. "Nevermind. I think I sprained my ankle."

"What is going on here?" A voice boomed causing several stagehands to clear a path. The women saw Mr. Haddock, their Master of Ceremonies approach. Once he laid eyes on Ruffnut he asked "Are you alright?"

"Sprained ankle sir." Ruffnut muttered. "Don't think I'll be able to dance."

"Who let the chicken out?" Camicazi asked as she had grabbed the, probably traumatized, bird.

"I'm going to kill my brother, I told him to keep the damn bird in her cage." Ruffnut growled as the women assisted her. She sat down on a fold-up chair and inspected the damage. "Definitely sprained."

"I'm going to have to cancel your performance tonight ladies." Mr. Haddock told them and protests then rang loudly through the room.

"Wait Mr. Haddock. We can still make this work!" Heather said.

"And how are you going to do that?" He asked. "You need sixteen people for the act and you have no substitute."

"What if we find a substitute?" Camicazi asked.

"And teach them the routine in….. eight hours?" He asked checking his watch.

"Please sir" Astrid now begged. "We could work this out. We're a cabaret afterall. Expect the unexpected."

"Very well." Mr. Haddock mumbled. "But if you don't have a solution an hour before the show then I'll have to pull you from the line up." The women nodded and once he left they all broke out in a flurry of panic.

"Astrid what do we do?!" One asked.

"Mr. Haddock is right! We have no substitute and even if we find someone now how are we going to teach them the routine in time?!"

"Girls girls calm down. I'm sure we'll think of something." Heather reasoned.

"We'll need someone who already knows the routine." Ruffnut reasoned as she now received a cold compress and pressed it to her ankle.

"We need someone with experience in a chorus line." Another reasoned.

"We'll need someone who'll fit into Ruffnut's costume." Camicazi added.

"If only Mrs. Haddock was here." Heather mumbled. "She'll know what to do."

"Heather that's it!" Astrid suddenly exclaimed.

"What's it?" Tuffnut asked curiously as he walked passed the women. They all turned and gave him death glares.

"Get back here brother!" Ruffnut shouted as she hopped on one foot after Tuffnut who had already been inching back upon the glares. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Tuffnut ran away as Ruffnut grabbed a prop axe and hobbled after him.

"That axe is a prop right?" One of the women asked as Tuffnut screamed bloody murder.

"Probably" Astrid mumbled, not really caring. The rest of the women turned back to her and asked for clarification on her outburst. "We have someone with chorus line experience and we all know him."

"HIM?!" The rest asked confused before it clicked.

"Astrid you do know Ruff's costume is…."

"He's a…. Well… he!"

These were some of the comments her idea received. "Well we know he has experience. He's Mrs. Haddock's son and we know he helps her practice."

"And he would know our routine fairly well." Heather now reasoned. "He needs to as our lighting director."

"And we can all agree he's as lanky as Ruffnut and has the legs for it." Camicazi now smiled liking the idea more and more.

"How will we convince him though?" Another woman asked. "I highly doubt that he'll agree to it."

"I think we can leave that up to Astrid." Camicazi suggested as all the ladies began to nod.

"Wait, why just me?!" Astrid mumbled confused.

"Girl we know you've been checking him out when you think no one notices." Heather laughed.

"And we think he likes you too." Ruffnut added as she hopped back to the group with a satisfied smirk on her face. "So might as well make a move while asking him."

Several other women began urging Astrid as well and she finally relented. "Fine" She said trying not to blush at the thought of talking to Hiccup. She turned around and headed for the area she knew he would be in.

"Eret can you turn down the intensity of those overhead lights?" She heard Hiccup asked as he stood on the stage. "The projection on the cyc is otherwise not as visible."

"H… Hi Hiccup" Astrid said as she approached. Her high heels tapping against the hardwood of the stage. She mentally cursed. 'Did she just stutter? She was Astrid Hofferson for pete's sake. She did not stutter.'

"Hey Astrid, Hi Astrid, how's it going?" Hiccup said in rapid succession and Astrid wondered if he remembered to breathe.

"Not so well, but you could change that." Astrid stated as Eret let out a wolf whistle.

"I can?" Hiccup asked looking a bit unsure. Astrid thought she noticed a faint blush and mentally berated herself for thinking it was cute.

"So, you've probably heard about Ruffnut spraining her ankle." Astrid explained.

"Who hasn't. I saw her run… eh…. Hop after her brother with a javelin a few minutes ago." Hiccup replied which caused Astrid to frown.

"I could have sworn she had an axe."

"Oh she did." Hiccup said and pointed to the wall where two stagehands were trying to get the axe out of.

"So…." Astrid trailed off. "What I wanted to know…. wouldyoubewillingtotakeRuffnut'splaceintheshow?" She said so fast that Hiccup raised his brow in confusion.

"Eh… what?" Hiccup asked.

"Would you be willing to take Ruffnut's place in the show?" She asked again, albeit a bit more slowly. That was all it took for Hiccup's eyebrows to shoot up and Eret, who had been listening nearby, to fall to the ground in a laughing fit.

"I'm serious Hiccup." Astrid now said. "You know the routine as you've watched us practice and you have dancing experience thanks to your mother."

"I…. don't know." Hiccup stated looking a bit unsure.

"GO for it boss!" Eret shouted as he picked himself up.

"Eret go check if the shutters are working….. All of them." Hiccup now ordered causing Eret to grumble.

"Please? I promise to make it worth it." Astrid now rambled. "I know this is last minute and all but we need sixteen people for our act and our substitute quit last month and your father gave us till an hour before the show to find a solution and our signature moves won't work and then we'll end up disappointing the audience."

"Alright alright Astrid." Hiccup said as he held his hands up. "I'll do it. Let me just tell Fishlegs to take over as lighting director."

"You will!" Astrid squealed before enveloping Hiccup in a bone crushing hug. "Oh thank you thank you thank you!" She then gave him a peck on the cheek before shouting "The girls and I are in our regular practice spot. I'll tell them the good news!"

Hiccup turned around and saw Fishlegs standing not far from him as several stagehands milled about. "Hey Fish, could you do me a favor?"

"I heard Hiccup. I can take over no problem. The guys are just doing a final mic check here. Go help out your girlfriend."

"S….She's not my girlfriend." Hiccup sputtered. "She's just a friend who happens to be a girl."

"Sure Hiccup" Fishlegs deadpanned as he took the clipboard Hiccup gave him.

"Thanks again Fish!" Hiccup shouted as he made his way backstage.

Eret then came to stand next to Fishlegs. "So you think tonight's the night?" He asked.

"It better be, I've got 30 bucks riding on him and Astrid getting together." He told Eret. "The entire crew knows they got the hots for eachother. Why do they have to be so oblivious?"

"At least we'll have a laugh tonight either way." Eret whispered.

"We will?"

"Oh yeah. Let's just say I saw Gobber's costumes." Eret smirked.

"Hey everyone" Hiccup greeted as he approached the group of women.

"Thank you so much for doing this Hiccup." Heather said. "You have no idea how grateful we are."

"Eh…" Hiccup blushed at all the attention the women were giving him. "So what do you need me to do?"

"Well first we need to see if you can do some of the simpler moves." Camicazi said. "You've probably seen your mother do them a few times. So let's see how High you can kick."

"Eh.. Okay" Hiccup said as he demonstrated. Several women whistled in admiration.

"That's pretty good." Astrid stated as she had Hiccup do it with his other leg.

"Yeah, my mom had me join her practice sessions." Hiccup explained.

"So that means you're pretty flexible right?" Ruffnut asked as she nudged Astrid with her elbow.

"I guess"

"So can you do a cartwheel?" One of the ladies asked.

"Sure" Hiccup said as he demonstrated.

The women then laughed as this idea could work out. "So what else?" Hiccup asked.

"Oh! We need to see if you can do a split."

"What type of split?" Hiccup then asked. "Side split, front split, standing split?"

"A front split and standing split are in the routine." Astrid told him and her eyebrows shot up when Hiccup performed them.

"Eh… ladies…" Hiccup mumbled while still in a frontal split position. "I'm kind of stuck."

The women quickly helped him up as Hiccup looked at them sheepishly. "I'm a little out of practice on that one."

"No worries" Astrid said. "Let's teach you the routine then. Cabaret does not do dress rehearsals after all."

* * *

It was now two hours before the show was to start and the ladies were very happy that Hiccup picked up the routine quickly. It really did help that his mother was a successful cabaret dancer who apparently insisted that he practice with her.

With the routine firmly memorized the ladies plus Hiccup went to get ready. They pushed Hiccup into the dressing room where Gobber and Tuffnut were waiting.

"There ya are lassies. I see ya brought the victim." Gobber laughed.

"Victim?" Hiccup asked looking a bit wary as Gobber was known to be…. Gobber."

"Just kidding Hiccup." Gobber smiled. "Now come on lad. We have work to do if we are to get you into Ruffnut's costume." He said and held up a red and black saloon girl dress. The front was short and bustled and it flowed into a long bustled train in the back.

"Eh… Gobber that's a dress." Hiccup pointed out.

"Astute observation lad. Now let's get you in it. Tuffnut can then work on the hair and makeup."

"No one said anything about a dress!" Hiccup said while giving the women an incredulous look. "I thought you girls danced in tuxedos!"

"We…. eh…. Forgot?" Astrid supplied sheepishly as the others all gave innocent looks. "Gobber designed new costumes for this show."

"And lad it's not like ya haven't worn a dress before." Gobber commented offhandedly as Hiccup facepalmed and groaned.

"HE DID?!" The women now asked confused which only caused Hiccup to groan louder.

"Don't you dare Gobber!" Hiccup warned but Gobber merely rolled his eyes.

"Why when Hiccup here was young he played little orphan Annie quite spectacularly. His mother was so proud!"

"Oh my Thor! Gobber!" Hiccup exclaimed as his face heated up, doing a marvelous impression of a tomato. Several of the women awed and others giggled at the thought of Hiccup tap dancing and singing on a stage dressed as Annie.

"Hiccup you got balls!" Astrid exclaimed impressed as she began pushing Hiccup in Gobber's hands. "I'm impressed to say the least."

"Uhmmm…" Hiccup said as Gobber swiftly dragged him to the changing area.

* * *

Both Gobber and Tuffnut looked incredibly smug as they dragged Hiccup out of the dressing room.

The others all turned, already in their costumes, and their eyes widened upon catching sight of Hiccup. The dress fit Hiccup perfectly and Astrid and several other women admitted that he, lanky as he was, indeed had the legs to pull it off. Hiccup was still blushing and couldn't meet their eyes as he tried to cover up the dark pany hoes and ruffled garters with the skirt. Tuffnut had done the makeup added hair extensions to Hiccup's auburn hair and then had placed it in an intricate bun which held the feather hairclip. All in all you wouldn't realize Hiccup wasn't a girl.

"Gobber, Tuffnut you've outdone yourselves." Heather high-fived.

"I swear if I didn't know that this was Hiccup I'd hit on him… eh… her… eh… him in a heartbeat." Tuffnut exclaimed.

"Well we have one more test to see if the audience will be fooled." Camicazi smirked as the gaggle quickly made their way out of the dressing room area and towards the stage.

"Mr. Haddock!" Camicazi called causing Hiccup to gulp nervously. "We found a replacement for Ruffnut."

His father looked at _her_ critically as the ladies pushed Hiccup forward. "Well lass, I do hope you are a good dancer. If so then I wouldn't mind hiring you as a substitute dancer if you're willing."

Then suddenly the girls began cheering that the disguise was a success. Mr. Haddock gave them a confused look until Hiccup spoke up.

"Dad…. it's me." Hiccup explained and he saw his father's bushy eyebrows shoot up.

"Uh… Hiccup, son, you're… eh.." he mumbled dumbfounded.

"I know dad."

"Well I alway knew you took after Val!" His father suddenly exclaimed. "Wait until she hears about this when she gets back from Europe!"

"Oh dear" Hiccup mumbled.

"Now son go out there! Break a leg! And seduce the audience! After all there's no business quite like showbusiness!" His father laughed as he placed his top hat on his head and grabbed the microphone.

The girls cheered and waited eagerly for their MC to introduce their act.

* * *

Meanwhile the audience was taking their seats in the theatre. A group of four men were pushing their way through the crowd. "Snotlout I sincerely hope that this show is worth front row seats." A man with orange hair mumbled.

"Oh yes it is Dagur!" Snotlout said excitingly.

"Is there any reason why you dragged my brother and I with you?" Another asked. "Surely you could watch this show-"

"Viggo, Ryker, this isn't just any show." Snotlout admonished. "This is the best cabaret that Berk has to offer. "The ladies performing tonight only do so once a month."

"I knew it had to be women." Viggo grumbled.

"It's always women with him." Ryker added.

"Oh just wait until you see these ladies!" Snotlout grinned. "You know we can see them after the show as well to congratulate them on a job well done." He added as an afterthought. The other three men didn't look nearly as excited.

"These shows hardly hold any intellectual interests." Viggo grumbled.

"Oh right, you'd rather be behind your computer playing virtual talons and maces with your virtual friends." Snotlout told him. "You need to get out before you become the cranky grandpa next door."

"I do get out!" Viggo reasoned as they found their seats.

"Yes, my brother left the appartment last week to by the new Hello Kitty beanbag chair." Ryker stated proudly, which however only earned him a head-slap from his brother.

Snotlout gave both brothers a weird look. "I'll bet that you're still a virgin." He laughed.

"Like you." Viggo countered.

"Touche!" Dagur said as they high-fived.

Soon everyone was seated and the lights began to dance over the stage. The curtains lifted and a big man with a fiery red beard, wearing a sparkling tuxedo and a top hat, came on stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Berk cabaret!" The man said as cheering started. "Tonight is that night again!" More cheering followed as the regulars knew what tonight was. Snotlout was eagerly clapping as the other three men looked at him in exasperation.

"Gracing us with their presence this month give it up for the headliners for tonight's show! Let them seduce you with their dances! I give you the Dragoneers!"

Loud cheering filled the stage as the curtain opened and a large spotlight illuminated eight women on stage. Their saloon girl costumes and feathers brought even more cheering and people watched eagerly as Offenbach's Can Can music filled the theatre.

Skirts started waving and eight other dancers joined them on stage by entering with several cartwheels.

"Oh my!" Ryker exclaimed as he watched the show.

"See I told you!" Snotlout stated proudly.

"How can they move like that?" Viggo questioned as they watched the show enthralled. The quick paced seductive dancing and acrobatics had everyone watching on the edge of their seats.

"What a woman!" Dagur exclaimed as he watched for ladies high kick a hat off of one of the audience members.

"I know that blond can dance." Snotlout muttered dreamily.

"I'm not talking about the blond." Dagur said not taking his eyes from the stage. "I'm talking about the brunette next to the blon-Oh my THOR!" Was suddenly exclaimed.

"Those are some pair of legs!" Viggo exclaimed.

"I thought they didn't have any intellectual interests." Snotlout fired back.

"Shut you mouth Snotlout!" Viggo grumbled. "Can't you see I'm trying to watch!"

"So…. eh...Snotlout, you said something about meeting the dancers after the show?" Dagur asked eagerly as several ladies did splits while the others cartwheeled between them.

"Any woman who can do that on high heels has got my attention." Dagur mumbled as most men in the audience leaned their heads right when the next stunt happened.

"What a gal!" Ryker wiggled his eyebrows while Snotlout mutely nodded.

The ladies ended with a chorus line split and the audience rose up to give them standing ovations.

There were several more acts and the ladies even did an encore show to the delight of everyone.

Snotlout motioned for the others to follow him once the show had officially ended. "So still want to meet the ladies?"

"Hell yeah!" Dagur exclaimed as the three now followed behind eagerly.

Meanwhile backstage Hiccup already knew that the guests could meet the performers after the show. So there he sat with the other ladies, still in costume and nervously waiting. Astrid had told him that the girls would do all the talking and that he didn't have to worry about being found out but he was still nervous either way.

"Oh great" Heather grumbled as she caught sight of Snotlout. "Look who's back."

"Who?" Hiccup quietly asked.

"Justsome guy who hits on us a lot." Camicazi explained. "Astrid even kicked him in the balls once when he suggested she have his babies."

"It was a good kick." Astrid defended. "Even Mr. Haddock told me so."

"Why hello ladies." Snotlout said with a tone that suggested that he was God's gift to women.

"You again." Camicazi muttered.

"I see that my charm from last time has rendered you speechless." Snotlout boasted as the others behind him tried to stifle their giggles.

"I swear if you're hear to bother us again-" Astrid threatened.

Snotlout held up his hands. "Oh no. We're just here to see your new college." he said and then pointed to Hiccup who blanched. "They guys were really taken with her."

Astrid lifted an eyebrow as Snotlout gave her a wink and said to the men "Watch how it's done boys." He walked confidently up to Hiccup who was now a nervous wreck and took his and and kissed it deftly. Several of the ladies watched in fascination at what was going to happen.

"Do you have polisher? Cause I would love for you to polish my brass." Snotlout said as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Hiccup gaped at this guy's audacity and removed his hand before delivering a sharp slap to Snotlout's cheek.

The other men winced but Snotlout was not giving up so easily. "If you were a transformer, you'd be a HOT-obot, and your name would be Optimus Fine." This caused Hiccup brow to lift as the other ladies began laughing.

"Alright how about this!" Snotlout now exclaimed. "Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection."

"I'm not." Hiccup said bluntly in the softest voice he could imitate. He had a feeling that the others were enjoying the show.

"OooH man BURN!" Dagur laughed as he now approached Hiccup with a confident smirk.

"So babe, would you marry me?" He asked point blank.

"No" Hiccup answered also point blank and then Dagur pulled out the kitty-cat eyes.

"Won't work." Hiccup mumbled as Dagur groaned.

"A woman who isn't tempted by the kitty-cat eyes! Me likey!" He exclaimed with a manic laugh.

It was Ryker's turn next and now several dancers as well as stagehands and other performers had stopped to watch the spectacle.

Ryker cleared his throat and began reciting. " _My carousel begins a harmonious memorizing spin, a twinkled light in open arms keys a passaged sight, a captivating spark outlines a walkway to my riverfront park, childhood dreams interlaced with memories yield a scoop of ice cream, the wind on my face tickles me faintly, equaled to a touch of grace, a duck quacks hello, fireworks provide a glow, a rollercoaster gives such a thrill, outdoor ice-skating delivers a chill, I will miss my riverfront park of youth, recollections sealed in an eternal booth, memories to come out and play - When my day might be gray._ "

"Eh….." Hiccup couldn't say anything and he saw Astrid mouth 'Duck?'

Viggo then decided to butt in. "Brother that is not how you charm a lady!" He admonished. "The poem needs to fit the vision of loveliness you wish to capture!" He spoke passionately.

'Oh boy' Hiccup thought

Viggo smiled and then said " _My love is as a fever, longing still. For that which longer nurseth the disease, Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill, Th' uncertain sickly appetite to please. My reason, the physician to my love, Angry that his prescriptions are not kept, Hath left me, and I desperate now approve. Desire is death, which physic did except. Past cure I am, now reason is past care, And frantic-mad with evermore unrest; My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are, At random from the truth vainly expressed: For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, Who art as black as hell, as dark as night._ "

"Astrid you might want to you know…. Get your man." Camicazi whispered as she and several saw Astrid clench her fists.

"You're jealous." Another whispered.

"I'm not jealous!" Astrid quickly defended.

"Well it looks like they are serious. That guy just quoted Shakespeare." Heather reasoned. "I think you might need to fight for your man Astrid."

"Girl, It's now or never!" Ruffnut now said as she gave Astrid a push.

Astrid quickly grabbed Hiccup's wrist before telling the four men. "Alright that's enough for tonight. We really need to get some sleep. Ta Ta, Ciao, Sayonara!" She then proceeded to drag Hiccup to a supply closet. Once the door was closed she switched on the lights.

"Thanks Astrid" Hiccup said and blushed a bit because he was so close to her.

"You're welcome. Honestly how dare they hit on you when I haven't had the chance!" She grumbled and then realized what she said out lout.

"You heard that didn't you?"

"Uhuh" Hiccup told her. "So eh…. You like me? Like 'like like'?"

"Yes Hiccup, I like you." Astrid admitted finally.

"So… want to get a coffee or a late night snack?" Hiccup asked.

"Sure Hiccup, there is a place open all night not so far from here." Astrid suggested.

"Great, just one more thing." Hiccup sheepishly said causing Astrid to quirk a brow. "Can I get out of the costume first? These heels are killing me."

Astrid couldn't take it anymore and started laughing loudly. Not long after there was a tentative knock on the closet door.

"Astrid, Hiccup?" The voice of Ruffnut came through the door.

"Yes Ruff" Astrid answered as her laughter died down.

"So… are you two an item now?"

"Yes Ruff" Hiccup now answered.

"GUYS THEY'RE TOGETHER NOW! WHO HAD TODAY IN THE BETTING POOL!"

"RUFFNUT!" Both Hiccup and Astrid shouted as they opened the closet door.

-The End-

 **AN:**

 **Ryker's poem by B.B. Christopher - When my day might be gray**

 **Viggo's poem by William Shakespeare - Sonnet 147**


End file.
